


Reaching Past the Wall

by tenser



Category: Free!
Genre: Australia is Bad for your Health, Getting Together After Time, M/M, Other, Puberty Sucks, Rin's Anxiety, Trans Male Character, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-01
Updated: 2014-04-01
Packaged: 2018-01-17 15:25:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1392688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenser/pseuds/tenser
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rin didn't just have a girly name. Rin was born a girl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reaching Past the Wall

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Amberemerald for the beta(s)!
> 
> This began with a character study of trans*Rin and evolved to become a RinHaru fic. There is some underage sexual contact but the real stuff comes later :D

There's that moment, that transition, in a relay race that seems to last forever. You give it your all and reach to touch the wall so that the next phase can start.

Rin eagerly watched the transition between Makoto and Nagisa, then felt the rippling power of the changeover himself as Nagisa extended his final stroke – an energy he passed to Haru with a hitch of his hips and the slam of his fingers against the wall. He was pretty excited about the way their relay was shaping up. He had transferred to Iwatobi Swim Club with the hope of this relay going all the way to the top of the elementary school division and he saw it happening before his eyes. Nagisa tended to have rough exchanges with him, but they'd worked to smooth out the transition. Everyone was fast, especially Haru.

When Haru glided into the wall, Rin congratulated him on their time. Haru just sort of looked away unconcerned, but that didn't bother Rin. Despite, or maybe because of their obvious personality differences, Rin liked Haru a lot. Rin was bubbly and Haru was dour but that was okay.

Time trials marked the end of practice, so with that done, the boys headed to the locker room. Iwatobi wasn't a big swim club, and it was the end of the season, so there weren't a lot of other kids.

"Our time was really good today!” Nagisa chirped as they turned on the hot flow of the showers.

“Yeah!” Rin agreed. He liked Nagisa's enthusiasm, even if the way the younger swimmer clung to them like a little brother was a little weird. “Your exchange still needs work but we're getting there. We're going to be the best.”

“I wonder if Haru's going to come join us?” Mako wondered, looking longingly at the locker room exit to the pool. Mako was always centered on Haru like that. That fawning was another thing Rin didn't understand – Haru was fine if you just let him be; he didn't see why Mako was always concerned. But even so, he admired Mako's fierce loyalty.

“He'll come soon,” Rin reassured Mako. “Hey, Nagisa, did you ask if you can wear your fifth grade suit for the competition or if you have to wear the sixth grade one?”

“I dunno,” Nagisa frowned, looking down at the teal speedo, unlike the older kids’ trunks, adorning his hips. “I didn't ask yet. But it'll be okay, right?”

“That's why Rin said to ask,” Mako chided.

"But I don't know if they'll fit.” Nagisa suddenly tugged on the fabric of Mako's teal swimsuit, pulling it down to look for the tag for size, but also exposing the older boy's butt.

“H-Hey!” Mako shouted.

Rin watched riveted as Nagisa grinned mischievously and tugged with a vengeance; the suit plopped to his ankles and Mako spun around to grab Nagisa's hands in furious embarrassment. His hand barely concealed the bits he was trying to hide.

_Oh, so he's normal._

Rin's heart sank just a little with that thought.

Nagisa, meanwhile, was exposed now thanks to Mako's clumsy attempts to grab Nagisa's hands and push him away.

_Nagisa's normal too._

Haru entered the shower room, shaking cool, chlorinated water from his dark hair. He chose the shower next to Mako, paying no attention to the increasingly nude shenanigans next to him. Nagisa wasn't about to let that stand.

“Haru, you never take off your suit! But look, we're all taking off our suits today. C'mon!”

Haru glanced at Rin's clothed crotch, then answered Nagisa. “It's too much effort.”

While Nagisa continued to cajole Haru in a way the younger swimmer had only been comfortable doing recently, Rin breathed a sigh of relief. If Haru kept his trunks on, Rin wouldn't look like the odd one out. If there was one thing he wouldn't do, it would be taking his swimsuit off in public.

“Why didn't you take yours off?” Haru stated flatly, barely concealing an obvious interest. Rin felt Haru's eyes on him, and unconsciously glanced down to the swimsuit covering a second, inner suit specially manufactured to create a boyish bulge. Haru's eyes followed his, and Rin grew exceptionally warm in the tips of his ears.

“'Cause I'm the leader!” He said with a grin. “The leader doesn't have to! Just all you lackeys.” That comment definitely did not inspire Haru to take off his swimsuit.

Although later in the locker room when the other three were joking around, Haru failed to cover himself with a towel and Rin saw that Haru, too, was normal.

He kind of wished he hadn't seen, so he could perpetuate the fantasy that he and Haru were alike. After all, the whole relay team had girly names like him. He'd really hoped they'd be like him and have a smooth, flat plane and strange dip inside their swimsuits. But they didn't — only Rin had been born a girl.

Still, seeing Haru's parts sparked something in Rin that, though confusing, wasn't entirely unpleasant.

 

***

 

When Rin got home, he was accosted by Gou's big smile. That was probably a bad thing, since she was pretty sweet for a little sister but she was still a baby, and a girl. She got weird ideas about stuff.

“Welcome back, big brother,” she said.

“Hey, runt,” Rin greeted. He ruffled her hair and gave her a hug before shedding his swim bag and sweaty tennis shoes.

“We got a package from Auntie,” Gou announced. “The one who lives in Hokkaido.”

Rin's grin matched his little sister's as they stormed into the living room and undid the brown wrapping and tape of the large box. His stomach was grumbling, but the prospect of a gift from an aunt they rarely heard from who lived in an exotic place was too great a temptation.

They separated two boxes, one with the label “Gou” and another with “Rin.” While Gou struggled with a pair of scissors to open hers, Rin sliced the edge with a sharp incisor and lifted the lid.

“Hey, Gou, she mixed up the labels. This one's yours.” He handed her the box with a girl's kimono in it and took her shoddily unwrapped one. But when he sliced that one open, it had a girl's kimono, too.

“That's weird, they're both girl kimonos...”

Rin fumbled through the remains of the packaging, a slight sinking feeling weighing in his stomach. But there were no other presents. Just a card that read: “After Great Aunt passed away, found these at the estate and immediately thought of you girls. Love, Your Aunt.”

At that moment, Rin's mother walked in the door, home from work.

“Mom!” Gou shouted and ran over to hug her. “We got presents from Auntie!”

“Did you?” Rin admired how his mom was so nice to Gou but also kept her in line. She was a mom though, that was like her job.

“But she sent two girl kimonos! She didn't send anything for Rin. Can I keep them both?”

Rin's mom's eyes instantly shot to her son.

She spoke sweetly to Gou, “Of course, sweetie. Your Aunt must have meant for you to grow into one of them. How about you take them to your room.”

 After excusing Gou, his mother came and sat next to him.

 “Rin, do you feel okay? Are you down about the kimono?”

“I'm fine,” Rin nodded. Already thoughts about the relay were crowding out thoughts of a distant aunt who didn't know she had a nephew. But the sting lingered.

 “Since we moved at the start of elementary school so you could be yourself, I know it hasn't been much of a problem for you anymore, but some of our relatives don't know you're a boy.”

“It's okay,” Rin said. It was hard to listen to his mom talk about that stuff, even harder to talk about it himself. The sting spread.

"Well, now that we're talking about it... I know you and Gou don't go to the therapist you saw after Dad anymore, but I've been doing some research lately and I think there's a new doctor you should start to see soon. An endocrinologist can help you through the changes that are about to happen to your body." 

He didn't like talking about _that_ part of his body. But today, the thought of bodies in general just directed him back to seeing his friends naked. And that was a pleasant, shivery thought.

“Gotta do homework!” Rin shouted and escaped.

 

***

 

But there was no escape from the growing tingling he felt whenever Haru was around, and that reached a head after the relay.  
  
The laughter and high spirits from victory sailed with Rin, propelling him to follow Haru all the way home after Coach Sasabe bought everyone ice cream, even after they'd dropped off Mako to smiling parents.

Suddenly, on the stairs, Haru abruptly stopped and turned directions.

“Hey, Nanase – where are you going?”

“I want to swim.”

“But we were just swimming, wait, do you mean back at the school?”

Apparently, Haru did mean that, which is how Rin found himself wet and worn out, collapsed on a pool deck in the fading blue light of an early summer sunset. The warm air wafted languidly over his body, and he breathed in chlorine-tinted air through his open mouth. Far up above, the first stars were piercing the soft silk of twilight. Looking up was like peering into the depths of the ocean. It was an awesome, lonely sight.

_I won't even see the same stars once I'm in Australia._

He sucked in a breath, his chest tightening.

Wet droplets across Rin's side and the sound of flesh on cement announced Haru's arrival. His breath was rough too, and Rin listened to its raspy echo smooth out as Haru laid resting. With Haru, space expanded, and Rin felt safe in dark recesses he could never reach on his own.

“We did great in the relay today.”

Haru nodded.

“It really turned out great. Sorry for waiting so long to tell you about my father's dream. Hey, can I tell you another secret?”

Haru shifted, and Rin pushed himself up to his elbows.

It was on the tip of his tongue, _Hey I was born with this girl's body and I really want you to know for some reason_ – “Hey, you know I thought you might be like me.”

“We're not the same,” Haru said quickly.

“I'm not a sourpuss like you,” Rin said with a grin, poking Haru in the chest. Haru frowned, and Rin couldn't resist the urge to jump on him and try to tickle his antisocial friend into laughing.

The ensuing struggle had them rolling around until Rin had Haru pinned under him, their chests flush. Rin grinned, and Haru pouted. Rin skittered his fingers down Haru's side and then Haru grimaced. It wasn't a laugh, but he'd take it. Once it became clear that Haru wasn't going to break, Rin gave up and relaxed against Haru.

Suddenly he was hyper aware of the proximity of their groins. That warm mound of Haru's was pressed not against Rin's swimming bulge, but the dip underneath it. He shifted his hips, squeezing around Haru's leg and was surprised with a burst of fireworks between his groin. Rin jerked, certain that something incredibly weird had happened.

Instead of recoiling, or frowning, Haru blushed and put a hand around Rin's back. It was comforting and a challenge all at the same time. Rin squeezed his hips again, was filled with heat again, and kept doing it.

Rin didn't often think – tried NOT to think – about _those_ parts. Those parts on him were wrong. They were the girl parts. But maybe Haru, who wasn't even like him, didn't care that they were wrong. After all, Haru didn't care about a lot of the things normal people cared about. Maybe it wasn't wrong if he let Haru feel them.

He dug his face into the space between Haru's neck and shoulder, and rolled his hips back and forth over Haru's crotch. It felt so good to feel something down there, even if it was totally wrong. Doing it with Haru, at least, felt right.

There was no climax, no moment, nothing like that. At a certain point, they just stopped moving against each other, got up, and Rin smiled.

He waved goodbye to Haru and then, as planned, got on a flight the next day for Australia.

 

***

 

In retrospect, going to Australia was a very stupid plan. The onset of puberty was a disastrous time for anyone, let alone a trans kid starting boarding school in a foreign country. But he thought it would be fine moving to Australia – that he'd keep improving and that he could make new friends just as easily as he'd befriended Haruka, Makoto, and Nagisa.

At first Rin's times improved week after week. But because the other kids were mostly bigger and stronger than him, the times that he'd thought were so good meant nothing. Rin's times plateaued while the other kids improved more, got stronger, got bigger.

Worse, the feelings that Haru had sparked bled onto other kids on the team, and Rin longed to roll against them and feel that pleasure and openness he'd felt with Haru. But as much as he wanted that, there wasn't anyone like Haruka or Makoto or Nagisa. No one even gave him the time of day.

One afternoon, after a particularly lackluster practice during which all the kids in his lane passed him, he climbed out of the pool utterly defeated. He dragged himself into the showers and took the one at the end. Just months ago he'd been showering and goofing off with the Iwatobi boys. Now he was alone.

As he squirted shampoo into his hair, the sudsy lather hid the other boys from sight. Their excited voices started to blur, the strange syntax of English isolating him further. These were the boys that had passed him in the pool, and now he was nobody to them. This was nothing like Iwatobi or Sano. He was invisible.

Suddenly his eyes stung with shampoo that he'd let drift down in his face. Tears hotter than the cascade of water from the shower welled up as sheer alienation seized him. His chest hurt, and he gave a loud sob.

The other boys who hadn't given him a second glance earlier turned to look. One of the bigger boys, with floppy sandy hair like Makoto, sniggered and then turned back to his friends.

“Look, the Japanese kid's crying.”

“Bet he misses his mommy. Sissy.”

“Is he even on the team? I've never seen him.”

Their careless words lacerated the last of his dignity, and he started crying for real. He tried to hide uncontrollable sobs behind crossed arms to no avail, then grabbed for his shampoo and conditioner and ran into the locker room.

Their words followed him as he threw on clothes.

“Oh damn, he really was crying!”

“Hey, don't make fun of the puny kid. He's probably trying as hard as he can. He's just not good.”

Rin just _broke._ He collapsed under the weight of their words in a corner of the locker room and cried into his towel.

The absolute shame and guilt exited his body in burning tears. Shame at being called weak, which he was, and guilt at betraying himself and his father's dream. Tears streamed down his face as he tried to piece together what he was doing wrong. The tears pooled in his collarbone before sliding down his chest, and sudden horror dawned on Rin as he realized the source of his failure.

He was becoming a girl. He'd let those parts take over and now he was going to become a girl. He was already _crying_ like one.

Panic crawled into the cracks etched by sorrow. He suddenly went cold. If those boys had looked closer in the shower, they would have seen a girl, he was sure of it. It was only the steam that had saved him. If they saw him now...

Terrified, he bolted for the dorms. Unable to face the world, he dove into his bed and stayed there until his tears dried and he was starting to feel a little foolish for thinking that the other boys would have mistaken him for a girl. And yet, he couldn't help wondering if maybe, maybe he'd hit on the source of the problem.

Rin extricated himself from his bed and took off his shirt. His body was a slim coil of muscle, and for a second staring at the familiar contours of his body calmed him. Then, gathering his courage, he poked at his chest, right above the nipple. It felt soft.

Horrified, he started shaking. It was soft, it was _soft._ He was right. He was already becoming a girl, and he was getting breasts. He was absolutely doomed.

 

***

 

Rin pretended to be sick the next day, and went to the doctor. After the friendly man examined him and failed to see any of the “flu” symptoms, he asked Rin if anything was bothering him.

“I'm getting fat,” Rin managed. For a second he even believed himself. If he just ate a diet with more meat and less bread and candy he would slim down in the chest and never become a girl.

The doctor raised an eyebrow. “Your BMI is perfectly normal. What makes you think you're fat?”

“My... _pecs_ are getting fat,” Rin said, pointing at the offending body region.

The doctor looked alarmed now. “Have you found a lump?”

“Yeah...” Rin said. Which then led to the doctor feeling Rin's chest through the hospital gown and finding nothing.

“Well, you seem perfectly healthy. Next time you want to skip school, at least try to get a little cough first,” the doctor said.

 

***

 

Rin's fear failed to abate. He turned to the one source of comfort he could think of.

“Mom, I'm growing boobs!” he called frantically. She had him take a picture of his chest and she brought it to an endocrinologist.

“Honey, you're not going through puberty yet. At Christmas, we'll go to the doctor to make sure. There's something that they can do – when I talked to the endocrinologist before and he said there are drugs called puberty blockers. They're for boys like you.”

“But I have to do something now!” Rin sobbed.

“I know, honey. But there's nothing wrong with your body right now. If you can just wait until Christmas we'll put you on drugs that will stop puberty from coming. You won't grow breasts or get fat on your hips because they'll block the hormones. You can even get them covered under insurance in Australia.”

Christmas was months away when Rin got the news. The next several months were some of the worst of his life. He couldn't think of anything but monitoring his chest, and worrying that everyone looked at him and saw a girl. It was still slightly better than being invisible; he became obsessed with not being seen. He slumped whenever possible, and got out of the pool as fast as possible to hide his offending chest. He wore his baggiest clothes. His times stagnated further. And he called his mother every week with increasingly hysterical claims of breast growth.

“I looked at the picture you sent and everything looks the same. I've already set up an appointment for a regular visit. You'll be able to start once you go back to Sydney after Christmas.”

By the time Christmas came, Rin was a homesick, neurotic mess. It was a relief to wear heavy winter clothes again, to hide what he felt was his massively swollen chest.

As fate would have it, he immediately ran into Haru.

In the white light of winter, Haru looked alien too, nothing like the owner of the warm body that had distracted Rin that summer night. Perfect Haruka, looking innocent and pure as they stood separated by the divide of train tracks. Rin could only see himself in contrast to Haru now—weak, knowing too much, worried. Perfect, normal Haru probably had perfect times in the pool too, and that was what Rin ultimately fixated on.

Rin thought if he beat Haru, he'd know that his body wasn't getting weaker. He'd know that Haru's body didn't have power over him.  
  
But he lost.

The part of him that said it had been a choice to be invisible and like a girl fell silent. The part of him that drove the fear and self-loathing won. He was really worth nothing. It was almost freeing.

In the hallway of the old swim club, Haru tried to stop him from running off, tried to tell him that he missed him, but what could Haru possibly understand about what was going on?

As soon as he got back to Australia, Rin begged the doctor to skip puberty blockers and put him on testosterone immediately.

 

***

 

In the end, he did take puberty blockers first. Puberty was just starting to hit, just as the doctor said. Once he was on the puberty blockers, the relief gave him space to right himself and build his times up. On the puberty blockers, he started to feel more like the Rin who'd assembled a top relay team out of sheer willpower. He got the courage to stop thinking about his rough start and even made a friend or two. He didn't even have to mull over Haru. Things were kind of okay for a while.

And then T happened and he exploded.

One of the not-so-great things about testosterone was that it encouraged Rin to vent his insecurity as anger. He did some dumb stuff in those years: Filed his teeth when his friends told him he couldn't let things go, just like a shark. It was kind of a dare, but Rin couldn't back down from a challenge.

He beat up some of the other swimmers who messed with him.

He rolled his eyes at all the stupid girl things his sister talked about during their increasingly infrequent phone calls.

He got a sex drive like crazy, and while that put him on the same page as the other horny teenagers around him, he was 100% never going to fuck any of them and have to deal with _that._ Once he figured out was sex was – cisgender sex at least – he scoffed at his preteen ideas of rolling around over a hard dick. He didn't have any problem talking about hot girls like everyone else, although he usually masked his embarrassment and boredom at some point by leaving to swim or by punching someone.

It did mean, though, that he spent a lot of alone time in the showers or dorm, a habit that stayed with him long after even though he was no longer using that time to jerk off.

Despite the anger and its damage, Rin was pleased with the results of T. His body filled out into a man's body. The hormones had a lot to do with erasing the traces of femininity that had trailed in his features since childhood. On top of that, he trained harder and longer than anyone, paranoid that any lack of vigilance would allow estrogen and fat to creep in and deform everything he'd worked toward.

His voice changed, and he reached his adult height. Never big – he'd never be imposing – but damn it if he didn't have layers of sinewy muscles tighter than fishing line. With that body, the self-confidence the dysphoria had scattered to the corners of his psyche started to re-assemble.

But as far as competition went, he still wasn't where he wanted to be. He racked up a lot of 4th and 5th place ribbons, but it wasn't good enough. His father's dream called for him to be a champion.

And then, after four years of hell, Rin's mother called him home. She was earning enough to buy Rin's T and she was lonely with Gou starting high school. She located a good swimming school, Samezuka, for him. Wounded and exhausted, he limped back to where home was supposed to be.

 

***

 

It pained him to see his naïve old friends. It was like they'd been in a time capsule and he'd returned to find them intact and unchanged. If he'd had a choice, he would have ignored them completely. If he hadn't really understood them as people during that elementary school relay, he sure as hell wouldn't after Australia.

He intended to snub them - until he saw Haru.

Haruka had become beautiful. Drop-dead gorgeous with his slick, dark hair and devastatingly fine facial features. The moment they'd seen each other in the derelict swim club, a potent mix of hormones and rage blazed to life inside Rin. And for the first time, he saw a similar angry anguish reflected in Haru's eyes. As they ran toward the empty pool, Rin questioned again if maybe he and Haru were alike.

But then, like a mirage, that fiery Haru immediately retracted into a cocoon of complacency after the chance meeting. When they actually raced later, Rin realized that gorgeous body had no power in it. Haru's eyes were dull and it was obvious he was as miserable as Rin had felt for four years.That pissed Rin off. Seriously pissed him off. Haru, with his friends and his great body, had no right to waste his talent moping. Not when Rin was trying so hard.

And so Rin did the only thing he knew how to do in the face of frustration. He tried harder. Swam harder, cared more, and dragged everyone into his personal problems until the debacle of regionals was over and he'd both won a race and burned away the film that had obscured Haruka's shine.

Getting closer to Haru washed away his shoddily constructed walls too, clearing away their sharp and haphazard edges. In that clean space, surprisingly, there was an ache to touch Haru again. The longing grew stronger each time he reached out to him. And so he spent more time at Iwatobi, acclimating to his new-old friends.

It wasn't one sided. Haru cast him glances when he thought Rin wasn't looking, or maybe when he knew that no one else but them was looking. He listened and stared when Rin spoke, a jarring comparison to how he'd felt like he had to growl to be heard every day in Australia. Haru even exchanged phone numbers with him. But then again, it was Haru, and Rin could never tell where he stood.

Not to mention he was pretty sure he knew where he wanted things to go, and that meant opening himself up to Haru's rejection. It meant putting his body in sexual context and being rejected if Haru wasn't gay...and possibly if he _was._ But Rin never was very good at holding back his feelings.

 

***

 

Everyone knew Nagisa was the brains of the operation. So it was fortunate that after all this time, Nagisa was still on Rin's side.

“Rei-chan, Mako-chan, let's go!” Nagisa twittered. “You have to help me with the club uniform catalog!”

“B-but...” Mako protested, his body pathetically twisted towards Haru as Nagisa dragged him along. “But shouldn't Haru come too?”

“You're club president, that's why it has to be you!” Nagisa said.

“But then why me too?” Rei asked.

“Because I said so!”

“That's not a reason!”

“Hmm, well, then because you'll pick out the most beautiful one!”

Haru and Rin stood silently, watching the crazy train fade into the distance.

“Let's go,” Rin said, flinging his bag over his shoulder and heading in the direction of the train tracks that led to Samezuka.

When Haru stood torn, Rin hissed and grabbed his hand. That got Haru to trot along beside him. Haru's hand was warm, and above all it was Haru's.

“Let go,” Haru said. “It's a pain matching pace with you.”

“No,” Rin said. He gripped tighter. Haru stopped.

“This is embarrassing.”

Rin shook off his hand. “It's _embarrassing_? Way to make a guy feel like taking a risk, Haru.”

Haru's head shot up. The meaning behind Rin's words was clear to him. A faint blush started to color his cheeks before he turned awkwardly to the side.

Rin ran his hand through his hair, feeling equally awkward. When Haru didn't move, he started to get pissed again. He walked over and grabbed Haru's collar.

“Say something.”

Haru met his eyes for a second, then turned away, his blush more furious.

“It...”

“What.”

“It's embarrassing.”

Rin growled and his fingers clenched, a tide of testosterone making his blood boil quickly. He pushed Haru against a tree. Focused on his turbulent emotions, he almost didn't feel the gentle caress of Haru's hand on his wrist; but once he did, the tension in his arms went slack. Haru expanded the touch, sliding along Rin's exposed forearm and then along his clothed collarbone.

Without explanation, Rin pulled them out of the road, to the other side of the tree, and put his arms around Haru. With no place left to look, Rin’s eyes met the half-lidded dark pools of Haru's eyes. He couldn't help leaning in and kissing Haru's lips.

Haru's hand nestled into Rin's shirt and pulled insistently. Rin responded by deepening the kiss, and drove the point home by aggressively using his tongue.

When their lips parted, Rin squeezed Haru in his arms, and Haru's hands encircled his back. They stood trembling like that for a while.

 

***

The second time they kissed was fueled by frustration. Haru had seemed to avoid Rin's calls, texting back only for every third time Rin did. Finally he got fed up and punched the numbers of Haru's home phone.

“Is this seriously how Mako lets you treat him?!” Rin raged.

“Makoto doesn't text like you do.”

“What's that supposed to mean?!” Rin felt a headache coming on.

“...”

“Answer me, Haru!”

“I'm trying, but you won't shut up.”

The retort died in Rin's throat as the meaning of Haru's words hit him. Haru was taking so long not because he didn't care but because he cared too much. Well, that was great and all, but Rin was still frustrated.

“Don't leave your house,” Rin said, hanging up.

Of course, when Rin shoved open the door to the Nanase household – seriously, the way Haru left the back door open was just asking to get robbed – Haru was there. In the bathtub, suited up like he'd just been transported from a race to a fish tank.

Even in his anger, Rin was in awe of Haru's beauty. No insult to Rin himself; he knew that if he lounged like that in a bathtub, his firm, ripped arms would look just as nice draped over a porcelain frame. And with their swimsuits on, no one would ever guess his cock was actually quite small.

While anger and desire fought in Rin's gut, fear won out.

“Hurry up with your stupid bath. I'll be waiting in the living room,” he growled, slamming the door shut.

Not more than three (excruciating) minutes later, Haru appeared in the doorway, fully dressed in a polo shirt and slacks, tossing his dark hair off his serene face.

Rin realized his glare might have been a little sharp when Haru suddenly stalled upon entering. But, as always, Rin's sharp edges didn't faze Haru for long, and he came and sat next to him. That was fine: Haru's slippery edges never fazed Rin that long either.

“Rin.”

“Yeah?”

“Are you going to stay tonight?”

“What?!” Rin literally jumped.

Haru fixed him with a serious look. “I thought that's why you came over.”

No breath – it had all died in his lungs. His eyes must have been white expanses. Haru's tone indicated that he _wanted_ Rin to stay over.

“Yeah, okay,” he managed quietly.

Haru closed the distance between them, straining uncomfortably to lean over Rin and press their mouths together. The touch was electric, overloading Rin's nerves with adrenaline and pleasure. Haru pressed on, settling between Rin's legs as the redhead laid back.

Maybe they should have done this months ago, Rin thought, because Haru was perfectly good at communicating physically. With their tongues laced in a slippery mess, Rin could tell Haru _really liked him._

Spurred on by swelling cock and nipples, Rin arched against Haru. Haru pushed back, and that alone brought him to a fully aroused state. He pushed up Haru's shirt, and his own ended up around his armpits. He got more aggressive, grasping at Haru's strong shoulder and nipping at his chest with sharp bites. Haru gasped, and Rin grinned into the reddened flesh.

He worked his way down Haru's chest, scooting along the floor while Haru remained on all fours above him. When he reached the ridge of Haru's blue slacks, no sooner had he worked the top button out of the way than Haru tugged his hair.

“Stop.”

“What?” Rin teased, unzipping the fly. The heat from Haru's dick pulsed off in waves. It even smelled hot. Haru pulled harder, making Rin snarl.

“Okay, what?!”

“Don't.”

“You don't want me to blow you?” Rin asked.

“No. Your teeth will hurt.”

Rin glanced away awkwardly. “Fine. I'll just use my hands. Lay down.”

Haru rolled to the ground, hands nervously at his sides. It wasn't a look Rin was too keen on. He bent in for a kiss, working Haru's mouth until he felt the other boy's hands feeling up his sides. Encouraged by that and the flush on Haru's face, he entered his pants again, this time with his hands.

The exquisiteness of Haru's cock made Rin insanely jealous and also ridiculously turned on at the same time. It was hefty but streamlined, and fully erect as it was he could see the veins straining against the stretched sides. This was the dream cock that he'd thought about and longed for for so many years. He'd have preferred it on himself, but on Haru was a close second.

Haru shifted as Rin began stroking him. Gently, he wasn't really sure how to go about touching a cock so much bigger than his. He wrapped his fingers around it and pumped. Haru winced; he gave up the death grip and ran his fingers more lightly.

“Rin,” Haru whispered, arching and hiding his face against his hand. Rin's heart soared and he pressed kisses into Haru's hipbone. Rin actually gasped when after a little more caressing, Haru's cock twitched, and cum suddenly poured out the slit. He squeezed the head, dirtying his palm with white liquid. Haru moaned with a passion Rin had never heard.

“Fuck,” Rin cursed. He'd just participated in nothing less than a miracle – making Haru come – and he was trembling. The creamy proof on his fingers mesmerized him.

He pressed himself against Haru, his cum-stained hand held like a chalice above them. Haru nuzzled against him, his efficient athlete's heart quickly coming down from its peak.

Haru fell asleep; despite being desperately turned on and crusty-handed, so did Rin.

 

***

 

They were busy boys, Rin more so than Haru. Seeing Haru the week following the handjob was out of the question, but when Rin found himself back at Haru's two weeks later, there was a new problem.

He'd gone back and forth about wearing his usual packer or walking over with a boner wedged into his boxer briefs. After the wavering, he'd tossed his erection back in the drawer and just worn the packer. He'd thought he'd get away with just jacking Haru off again, but Haru clearly had other ideas.

“Hey,” Rin warned as Haru dipped three fingers under the rim of his pants. Rin was sitting in a chair with Haru draped over his lower half, face turned to his crotch.

Haru stopped.

“I don't want you to suck me off either,” Rin lied, because yeah, a blowjob sounded like a pretty good thing to happen in life. “Not until you let me do you.”

Haru's eyes narrowed. “Okay.”

For a second, Rin thought Haru was getting up to offer his own boner to suck, but instead he climbed into Rin's lap.

“Shit,” Rin swore around Haru's kisses. He could feel Haru's cock straining at his school pants, and goddammit he was going to go crazy if this didn't go farther.

“G-get off,” Rin said. “Gotta piss.”

In the bathroom he tore off his packer, then actually did piss for good measure, and then went out feeling naked as fuck even though he was still fully clothed.

Apparently bodies of water weren't the only thing Haru stripped for, because he was naked and on the bed when Rin came back.

Mustering his courage, Rin climbed on Haru like a starving man, gnawing his way down Haru's neck as his unlucky lover desperately tried to rid Rin of his clothes. Rin leaned back and stripped his shirt off.

Haru chose that moment to reach into Rin's pants and go for the gold.

Haru's fist came up wanting, and he frowned. From that motion, though, Rin moaned. It was the first time anyone had touched him down there. Haru groped a bit, looking for flesh to grasp and when he did find stiff flesh, stroked it.

Rin whined, the sensation electric and overwhelming. His hips jumped and he squeezed his thighs around Haru. When Haru's thumb rubbed methodically against his cock, he moaned, tears coming to his eyes.

“Fuck Haru,” Rin started babbling. “Wanna fuck you so bad, oh fuck me, shit.”

 When Rin came, he shuddered heavily as he bucked into Haru's waiting fingers. Nothing came out with his orgasm, but it left Rin equally as spent as Haru had been the week before. He bent over Haru, panting.

He heard a lick of inspection; Haru tasting Rin on his fingers.

“Rin, have you always been a girl?”

“No. Not even before I left for Australia,” Rin said firmly. “So not even...then.” And then he couldn't contain the sharp retort. “What, do I seem like a girl to you?”

“No. You never did.”

“That's right. And I'm going to fuck the shit out of you next time when I bring my boner, okay?”

“Okay. I'd like that.”

“I wanna blow you too.”

 “No.”

 

***

 

Rin was true to his word. Black strap-on harness situated on his hips and his cock firmly locked in, Rin stared down the bed at Haru. Wordlessly, he grabbed the newly-purchased lube and slicked up his length.

Haru panted on the bed, his legs still spread from where Rin had spent a blissful half hour stretching his hole. The lube bottle was already half empty and the sheets were a smeared mess. Because he'd been so thorough, Haru's hole was flush and peeking open.

“Rin, hurry up,” Haru complained.

“Yeah,” Rin said, positioning himself between Haru's legs. His cock nudged the pucker of Haru's hole and it tightened. Rin stuck a finger in, coaxing Haru to open up again. Once he was satisfied with the slickness, he tapped the opening with his cock again.

“I'm putting it in,” he said breathlessly, sinking the tip in. He saw Haru clench around it and stopped. He pushed in further, centimeter by centimeter as Haru calmed and accepted the foreign object.

Rin's heart raced at a million miles an hour, watching his erection disappear inside Haru until it had been all but swallowed up.

“Fuck, Haru, I'm in,” he whispered.

It was the greatest moment of his short life, fucking Haru, and now he had no idea what to do. His body was telling him to drag out the heavy weight of his cock and slam it back down the slick track inside Haru, but he was frozen. Because Haru's brow was furrowed and he was gasping.

“Too big,” he said.

Words Rin had never hoped to hear. Or rather, he had hoped to hear them – that was why he'd chosen a cock on the above-average side. And he wanted to give Haru pleasure with that cock. So for the moment he needed to adjust, and so Rin palmed Haru's dick instead.

If Haru had come like that – dick in Rin's hand, Rin's cock deep inside him – it would have made Rin a very happy man. But Haru made it even better when he started grinding his hips, begging to be fucked. Rin responded, moving slowly at first, taking care to load on more lube, but little by little starting to thrust into Haru for real.

He couldn't feel it as his strap-on pummeled Haru's insides but he could feel the heat and sweat collecting on Haru's chest. He watched as Haru's abs and buttocks clenched around his intrusion. He drank in the sight of Haru getting frenzied and soon Rin was moaning along with him, banging into Haru with enough force to stimulate his own flesh cock.

Haru never announced when he was coming, but his whole body tightened. He came under Rin with heaving shudders, his face a mask of erotic pleasure. Rin barely let the tremors subside before loosening the strap-on and sitting on Haru's face.

“Blow me,” he said, voice low and husky with want.

Haru did as commanded, taking Rin's stiff flesh into his mouth and sucking and licking for the all of about the minute it took before Rin came, fluid leaking onto Haru's chin.

 

***

 

Soon, hanging out at the Nanase household became a regular thing. Weeks became months. In the comfort of their shared company, they started discussing important things every now and then.

One such day they were ostensibly doing homework at Haru's house, and Rin was really trying. He was a good student, after all, he'd taught himself English, but this particular science problem was giving him hell.

 _That's it!_ Suddenly the chemical formula came to him and the anger that had been unconsciously building in his gut dissipated. After jotting down the answer, he stretched his arms and collapsed onto the tatami mat.

Now that his focus could broaden, he smelled mackerel frying in the kitchen. He'd grown accustomed to the smell, considering Haru rarely cooked anything else. Rin preferred red meat, but fish was fine. And if he had to admit it, he'd have eaten just about anything Haru made for him. Because he was a softy like that, apparently.

Haru brought the mackerel and plates to the table. Rin sat up.

“Tch. Didn't you even make any rice?”

“No.”

Rin snorted again and got to his feet.

“Where are you going?”

“To get something to eat with the damn fish.”

Rin jerked open the refrigerator to find several containers of leftover rice. He shoved one in the microwave.

“This is the rice I made last week, isn't it?” Rin frowned, popping his head out of the kitchen.

“Yes,” Haru answered, already poking open his mackerel with chopsticks and not bothering to look back at him.

“Hey, eat this stuff! What were you eating instead?”

“Toast. Now shut up and eat, Rin,” Haru said.

“I will, as soon as there's something to eat,” Rin growled. Fortunately for everyone, the microwave beeped and Rin pulled out the steaming hot rice. He deposited it on the table between them.

Haru made no acknowledgement of the rice's presence until he dipped his chopsticks in. Rin tried hard not to grin in triumph.

Once they were done, Rin took the dishes to the sink and cleaned them. The fact that he was okay with the sheer domesticity was pretty remarkable, but really, the thought of maybe doing this _whatever_ with Haruka for the rest of his life was pretty exciting. After he won the Olympics, of course, and needed somewhere to settle down.

“You're smiling,” Haru remarked as Rin came back into the living room.

“Just thinking about you,” Rin said smugly.

Haru's eyes lit up but instead of turning away he held Rin's gaze.

Rin sat down next to him, shoulders touching. He lowered his voice to a sultry whisper. “If you keep doing that, I'm going to think you really like me.”

“Shut up,” Haru said, although he met Rin's gaze. “You're a pain.”

After several minutes of basking in each other's presence, Haru broke the silence.

“Are you going to get surgery?”

Rin audibly choked. Haru had an uncanny knack for cutting past introductions and segues like normal people and catching him completely by surprise. Not to mention bringing up _things you don't bring up._

“I'm sorry,” Haru said, when Rin took too long to answer. “I shouldn't have asked.”

“No, just, I made that decision a long time ago. You were there, you know.”

Haru blinked, and Rin knew that they were thinking of the same summer evening. Granted, Rin had definitely thought about choosing otherwise. But the choice remained the same. “Do surgery and have a dick that doesn't get hard on its own? Fuck that. Actually, there's this thing you can do... Wanna look at pictures of pumping up dicks until you get turned on enough to blow me again?”

Haru pushed his hand inside Rin's shirt, already excited by the suggestion, but hesitated.

“What?” Rin kissed the top of his head.

“Can you go to the Olympics?”

Rin swallowed the lump rising from his heart. He'd read the IOC's and Japan's policies, but hadn't seen this question coming from Haru. That was twice in one night he'd been surprised.

“You trying to kill me? Tch, well, the IOC doesn't seem to care as long as you're not trying to pass as a woman,” Rin mumbled into Haru's hair. He hadn't gotten to the part about male athletes but was too scared.

“Rin... At one time I think I'd have said that it didn't matter to me if you went to the Olympics. You'd still be you. But now I want you to go.”

“Haru.” Already off kilter from Haru's earlier questions, he was helpless to defend against Haru's honest support. Tears welled up with the rising emotion in Rin's heart. He squeezed Haru as tightly as possible, pressing his face into the crook of Haru's neck until it was wet and salty with tears.

“Just never leave me again,” Haru said.

“I won't,” Rin said, and found that he meant it.

 

***

 

Years later, Rin stretched on the porch of the apartment he and Haru shared in the Tokyo suburbs. He was getting ready for his morning jog, always conducted under the backdrop of the pearly grey sunrise. It was quiet, peaceful, and by the time he got back Haru was usually awake and making breakfast.

He glanced at the sprawling houses, a jumble of brown roofs stretching in waves as far as the eye could see out toward the distant ocean. Directly below them was the pool where his Olympic medal was enshrined and where he coached.

His sneakers squealed on the pavement as he set out to chase the sun. When he came back, Haru would be there.

Together they pushed and pulled each other through life. As long as they could still reach past the wall and toward each other, they'd survive. Life was an endless transition, it turned out, just like a relay exchange. If Rin gave it his all, he reached Haru and the next stage began. Every time.


End file.
